Adults Bully Too

Lately I've been researching workplace bullying. Read into that what you will.

I always thought bullies were a middle-school thing, but apparently adult bullying is pretty common. A Wikipedia search told me that almost half (49%) of all Americans reported being affected by bullying currently or in the past. Maaaan, I thought I was out of the danger zone!

The Health and Safety Executive website says that workplace bullying is "negative behavior being targeted at an individual, or individuals, repeatedly and persistently over time." Pretty broad definition, but they break it down:

• ignoring or excluding someone
• giving unachievable tasks, or "setting you up to fail"
• spreading malicious rumors or gossip
• making belittling remarks
• undermining your integrity
• not giving credit where credit is due
• withholding information purposely

The Workplace Bullying Institute says stress from being harassed or bullied can cause emotional and mental damage leading to things like depression, heart problems, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Yikes!

My research, and my own experience, have convinced me that the question is not whether it will happen to me, but when. And when it does, what is the mature, responsible response? Is the advice given to kids in middle school appropriate for an adult workplace? And as a Christian, should my behavior be different from what I could legally do?

These are genuine questions. 

As a kid, I was told, "Ignore bullies; they just want a reaction. If that doesn't work, stand up to them." But as a homeschooled kid, I had a pretty limited exposure to bullies. Not much chance to practice. 

Now I'm adult in the corporate world, and I sense a pressure to give as good as I get or get run over. Gossip is the norm, and if you don't conform, then guess what--you're the new target. "Good Americans" are confident, assertive individuals who would never allow themselves to be bullied, right?

But as a Christian, I've resisted this, struggling to know how to respond and remain obedient to Jesus. I mean, He said some pretty un-American stuff on this topic. 

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles." (Matthew 5:28-41)

A person who slaps me, steals my hoodie, and sues me. Hmm, sounds like a bully to me. And Jesus says "do not resist" this person. Instead He seems to advocate a policy of "killing with kindness", giving good for evil. 

Until this week, Jesus and Corporate America seemed totally out of sync. Then I had a revelation: perhaps "resistance" was not the same as "assertiveness."

Resistance pushes angrily back when it is shoved. It fights fire with fire, leading to an inferno. I have always known that this was a baaaaaad idea. Assertion, on the other hand, can be respectful and controlled. It speaks the truth in love. It may confront, but it never keeps grudges and it never gossips. 

I am still chewing on this new distinction. How to assert lovingly--and ensure that people know it's done without malice? How to confront people who have never known healthy conflict? How to break habits of silence and avoidance that have grown over months?

Maybe I'll do a sequel to this post as I learn more. But in the meantime, I'd appreciate prayer. I have a new appreciation for the hard life of the picked-on. 

Concussion excitement

On Wednesday, hubby and I had just finished a long day of relational and marriage-related training and we were clustered with friends from our project group on the front porch of the Admin building. I was salivating in anticipation of the s'mores we were about to make, and excited to finally spend time with the group after sitting in meetings all day.

Just then, hubby pointed to the field below. "Hey, that guy isn't getting up." Someone had slipped on the grass, and was still lying there after nearly a minute.

When we ran out to see if the teenager was ok, it was clear that he wasn't. The group of kids had been playing a game of Capture the Flag for a grand total of about 30 seconds before the lack of traction on his shoes made him hit the ground--hard. He was alert and even cracking jokes at his sister who hovered nearby, but the back of his head and neck were in severe pain.

After asking him if I could, I prayed aloud for him in front of the crowd of kids. I wondered whether that was a normal thing in their families. Then Hubby stabilized his head and encouraged him to stay awake while I ran back and got help.

Soon, there were three emergency vehicles on the field, who I later learned were the first responders who live on the YMCA grounds. His grandma came walking up later, chuckling and shaking her head. Apparently, her grandson is accident prone, and this was a pretty normal occurrence for him.

We missed out on the s'mores, but as we walked away, we got something better. A group of college-aged students came up to ask about the ambulance, and the conversation developed into a 2-hour hangout! All four were international students who had come to work for the summer in the United States. Jean Lucas and Vanessa were from Brazil, Erika was from Columbia, and Guillermo hailed from Madrid, Spain. We talked about movies, about music, about our families, and about the cultural differences they have seen in the short time they've been here.

I was reminded afresh how much I love international students!  Not only do they bring a new dimension, a fresh perspective that I find fascinating, I often feel like my own experiences overseas make it easy to relate to them. And of course, like all young people, we share so much of the hopes we have for the future, the common experiences of family and insecurities, and the fun of being young.

Oh, and get this: ALL of them came to the LT service in the chapel the next night. Please pray for more opportunities to connect with them, and for their curiosity about a personal relationship with God to grow.