A chance to make my sister's day

Anyone remember this?

If you’ve been around here for a while, you might remember that 2012 was the summer that we lived in a cute little cabin with a tree growing up through the middle of its roof. Hubby was one of the staff for Colorado Leadership Training, a program that combines an amazing summer job with mentoring, deep relationships, and opportunities for outreach.

There were some scary wildfires.
We even had some crazy car trouble that made for a memorable first anniversary.
The sunsets were jaw-droppingly gorgeous against the mountains each night.
And we met more amazing people in one summer than I thought possible.

THIS summer, it’s my little sister’s turn!

The day after her highschool graduation this May, Kat headed north for a summer of working full time for the YMCA as a family coordinator. Which basically means she has the coolest job ever: she leads nighttime hikes, plays games with kids, and gives nature tours.

Her limited time off is filled with leadership training, new friends, bouldering, and running trails in the early mornings.

When her pictures pop up on my news feed, I can almost smell the mountains.

Those highschool dreads had become part of her in my mind, so her new close-cropped hair takes me by surprise. But it's adorable. She is a gamine, blue-eyed beauty with a boyish halo of blond.

One thing I remember from our summer at LT is how special real mail became.

Cell phone reception at the 'Y is almost non-existent, and Wi-Fi hotspots are small and crowded. When you miss your family and friends at home, there is nothing quite like finding a fat letter at the tiny post office, your name written in loopy, familiar cursive.

If you know my lil' sis and want to make her day, write her a note! (If you don't know her, consider writing a note to someone else!)

Here is her summer address:

[Staffer's Name] - EPC Staff

PO Box 20700

Estes Park, CO 80511

Spring homegroup update!

It's about time for an update about homegroup! That is, after all, the fiber of the student ministry here at Fellowship Church, the rhythm of meetings and life in nourishing community.

We lost a lot of people last December: some to graduation and new grown-up jobs elsewhere, some to student teaching assignments in other cities. It's natural and expected--the population of a college town is in constant flux, and students themselves are in transition...but I was sad. I miss people when they leave.

This is why the perpetual prayer for those of us in college ministry is,  "Jesus, send us new people you have in mind, people who are hungry for you."

One way He is answering that prayer is through a sweet girl who isn't exactly new, but whose new-found confidence and humility in her new leadership role is a breath of fresh air to the homegroup! Sarah met us as a quiet freshman at last year's Spring Rally, and has since grown so much in her heart for other students and her understanding of the Bible. Most weeks, she brings along a new friend from one of her classes, and invites them to coffee or lunch on her free time. Yay for new leaders who are faithful!

In addition to old members stepping into leadership roles, we have had about eleven new students check out our homegroup since January. While not all will stick, we are praying that many will, and that we will be able to share our lives and the love of Jesus with them.

In other homegroup news, the first girl sleepover of 2013 was a smashing success! Hubby went elsewhere for the night while we stuffed ourselves with salad, homemade enchiladas and ripe strawberries, and then danced ourselves silly to the wii game, "Just Dance". Oh, and we painted toenails. Duh.

Another incredible time happened last weekend at the women's retreat...but that weekend deserves its own post...HERE.

Light hearted

My eyes are heavy, but my heart is feeling lighter than it has felt in weeks!

Part of the lightness is due to the fact that I am now a FORMER student of Texas A&M University. Yes, by the grace of God, I am done with my college degree!

As we fluttered down the hallway in our polyester robes and tassels and rounded the corner, the huge, humming stadium opened to receive us. The girl beside me gasped. "Ohmygosh--this is happening!" It reminded me a little of the moment before I walked down the aisle at my wedding.  It was certainly less emotional, but there was the same sense of moment--that I was living my own history.

My diploma!

On stage, I gave our President a high five instead of shaking his hand. This was partially because he begged the 7,000 of us to be merciful with his poor overworked hand-shaking fingers, and partially because a high five is so much more celebratory than a handshake. :)

Afterward, there were hugs and pictures and playing with the diploma tube (because apparently it makes an amazing sound if opened fast), and then my families came together to celebrate.

Seriously, I love having two families through marriage! Each is so unique and beautiful, and I felt so incredibly loved to be surrounded by all of them. Sweet, generous friends came too, offering their hugs and conversation and time and gifts to the beautiful mix until the ice cream was melting and the windows were dark.

But the lightness I feel doesn't only come from relief at being finished with a difficult season of school. It doesn't even come from being done with work for a little while, (although that is VERY welcome!) It came softly, gradually, as a different kind of weight was lifted.

To be honest, I've been more than physically tired. I've been soul-beat these days. I told Jesus, "I know you're good", but it came out more as a challenge than a statement of glad fact. I've been afraid of failing at this new season of life, terrified that friendships will flake away or that I'll spend myself into a shred of perfectionism even when there are no teachers to give grades.

But today, God told me that He is taking care of me.

As my family prayed for hubby and I, I got a picture in my head of my joyful Savior.
His face was glowing like a parent who just can't WAIT to give his child a gift, or like a master chef who was about to excitedly unveil his masterpiece to dinner guests. He was spreading a table with sparkling linen and sweet drinks and cakes and roasted turkeys and anything delicious you can imagine-all of it appearing on a bare table like a magical scene from Narnia. And all of it--amazingly--for me.

Seeing God that way melted my heart. I often subconsciously weigh myself down with standards and rules and expectations. I begin believing that God is distant until I am perfect, as if I could earn his love.

How far from the truth! Grace is undeserved by definition. If I could earn His love, it wouldn't be grace. My true "job", if it can be called a job, is to believe and receive.

²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Jesus (Matthew 11:29-30)

"Mal De Debarquement"

I know I'm not the only one who's felt it: that sense that you’re still jolting, falling, vibrating or swaying even while you know you’ve stopped.

I’m having flashbacks to Velcro light-up shoes and sleepy car rides home. Orange streetlights flick by my window in rapid succession, reminding me of the giddy, whirling displays we just left. The glass is cool against my forehead. 

My sister spills her cheerios between the seats as her head nods drowsily.  

She looks sunburned.

I close my eyes too and at that moment the motion of the car tricks my senses—suddenly I am back in the red molded seat, hurtling down the polished track toward a sharp downward turn into nowhere.

 My stomach hovers, suspended—then down! The vibrations of our Toyota become a roaring clatter, and my insides lift themselves delightfully at every small pothole.

There is actually a fancy medical name for this condition: ‘mal de debarquement’. In other words, ‘illness of disembarkation’, or feeling unwell when you get off a boat. For us non-sailors, insert the word “rollercoaster”.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the best description I have of today. 

This morning, at 9:36 am, I disembarked from that crazy ride known as American Education. I conjugated my last pluperfect subjunctive, turned in my test with a grin, and walked out of there lighter than air. 

But when I close my eyes, I trick myself into thinking there is another paper, another test, another class next semester. I think it's going to take a while to get used to this new pace of life, especially since I'm not exactly settling into a routine. 

Graduation is Friday. Mission trip to Italy on Sunday. Driving to Colorado two weeks later, only to fly back home for job-hunting adventures and friend's weddings. This new ride sounds awesome to me!

But I'm not so sure I've left Academia behind for good...maybe I'll go back for another ride someday. :)

"Brain Child" and Transitions

 My paper-as-pregnancy analogy almost got a baby rumor started on Facebook this weekend when I posted this as my status:

“I feel like I just gave birth! My paper...this ginormous brain child...is finally all out on the page (ok, all 18 pages). Momma needs to sleep for a week.”

One of my overseas friends (who speaks Romanian as her first language) thought that I was talking about a REAL baby. Apparently the Americanism “brain child” doesn’t translate clearly.

Right now, the only school-related thing standing between me and graduation is my Spanish final exam. I wish I could say it will be a breeze, but my mind gets so turned around when confronted by the minute differences between the zillion verb conjugations ….  So it’s safe to say I have one more heavy day of study before I’m in the clear. I know that God will give me strength to persevere!

“Skillful Navigation of Transitions”

As I recovered from the sleepless night on Thursday, I was reading friend’s blogs (what else do you do when sleep-deprived, right?) and I came across a post by my Uncle Dave.

Aside: This particular uncle is like a walking, balding skyscraper chock-full of wisdom, witticisms and puns. He is the pastor of a large church in Houston, and granddad to five. He is also an excellent writer. In this case, he was sharing his thoughts on a book called Transitions by William Bridges. Ok, on to the article.

In it, he writes about something that all of us have experienced: losing something we didn’t want to lose.

It may be severe—like losing a parent. 

It may be mild—like getting a stubborn stain on a favorite T-shirt. 

But in every case, there are three stages:

1)    Death—this is when “something ends.” It may be a literal death, or simply the end of a loved season of life, a job, etc.

2)    Chaos and Confusion—the emotions we feel in the aftermath, like confusion, anger, sadness and anxiety because we don’t see a solution in sight.

3)    Rebirth—In this stage, the void we felt is now filled, even if the precious thing or person we lost can never be exactly replaced. We no longer feel confusion, and the grief has faded into acceptance or even beauty.

This resonated with me, because it gave a name to my recent emotions about friends, and about graduation. As friends move away, something ends, even if the friendship lives on in facebook chats and blogs. As I graduate, something ends, even if the next phase is full and beautiful. I guess I’ve been...grieving...in a mild way. 

His advice for each step can be boiled down to one thing: “Stay close to the Shepherd”.

In stage one, we can’t ignore the pain or say it doesn’t hurt. We have to be authentic with ourselves and let the grieving happen. Oh, and this is a biggie: “resist the urge to self-medicate”. Above all, get close to God.

In stage two, we have to fight the tendency to withdraw or give in to pessimism. Stay connected to people. Test their advice with clear thinking and prayer. (Aka, stay close to the Shepherd again).

Stage three is all about thankfulness for the rebirth that has happened (to who else? Jesus). Cherish it and share the story—it might encourage people who lost something similar but are still in stage 1 or 2.

Good stuff for my heart. To read the full article, click here. 

No Worrying Allowed

All this mental stretching, the waiting, the groaning under the weight of everything that I have to do.

Hmm...I think final exam week must be a small taste of what the final stage of pregnancy is like.

A) Pregnant girls can't go to the rec center and work out very hard, and neither can I.

B) They can't get very good sleep, and neither can I. 

C) They also have weird cravings for certain snack foods. (My craving: salted, roasted almonds, mixed with chocolate chips.)

If it's not a good comparison, my pregnant friend, Mrs. Kroeger, can correct me later. 

In the meantime, here's a little guy who made me smile today while I was walking on campus: 

Someone put a bowl of food for him outside their office window. Mr. Squirrel was so absorbed in his meal that he hardly noticed as I crept close and snapped this shot with my phone. 

It brought to mind something that my Savior said one day to a crowd: 

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" (Matthew 6:25-34) 

Yes. My heart totally needed that reminder. If God feeds this little squirrel, He can certainly give me enough time and energy to finish this paper. 

And to get ready for graduation. 

And to pack for Italy.

And to train my replacement at work. 

He is faithful. :)

Last Day of Class

Ok, people, sappy alert! If you hate that kind of stuff, click away now, because I'm a girl who needs to process some stuff.

Everyday view on campus

My last log-in at the library on campus

I just went back and re-read my first post, back in January when this semester had barely begun. Even then I felt the nostalgia pressing on the edges of my thoughts, the calendar already running faster toward graduation than I wanted it to.

This whole semester has felt like the final chapter of a great book. You don't want the book to end, but the more invested you are in the story, the faster the pages turn under your thumb. Suddenly you realize that the characters you've grown to love are only two or three sheets of pressed tree pulp from being put back on the shelf.

I know that the sequel will be good, but seriously...why is change so hard?

Sitting in my last class, 4/26/12

Yesterday was THE LAST day of class for my entire undergraduate career.

My teachers were so cute. They all tried, in various ways, to delay the end of class, to put off the coming closure. I will sincerely miss their lectures.  My profs have all been great, but I had some real gems this spring. (Click here for some hilarious proof.)

I wish I could say I savored yesterday fully, soaked up buckets of fun memories and felt only joy and relief, but the main thing I felt was

profound...

exhaustion. 

I used to scoff, but now I'm a believer: senioritis is a real, honest-to-goodness disease, and sister, I've got it BAD. My eyes are sagging with lack of sleep, and my motivation is sagging even worse. I told Hubby that I wanted to hibernate like a bear  and then wake up in two weeks to get my diploma. He laughed at me, but I know he understood.

But then, after an exhausting last day, we went to the last homegroup meeting. :)

Fifteen of us sat, knees and elbows crammed into the small space filled with friends. As the room swelled with the sound of our worship, my shoulders untwisted and my heart calmed. Jesus was there, in the room with us, and nothing else--not my tiredness or the papers I had to write, or my million other worries--were as important as Him.

We drank purple juice and ate pinches of bread from a chewy loaf as we remembered His deep love. The love that never runs out, never gets tired.

We each shared the things God has been teaching us this semester, and to hear the recitation was to worship all over again!  It was beautiful to see and hear what He is doing in all of us: teaching us patience, getting us out of addictive behavior, bringing us out of depression or control-freak tendencies or co-dependent relationships.

Then--the best moment! Almost-graduates, like me, sat in the middle while the rest crowded around and hugged us as they thanked God for us and prayed for us. Under my arm, I could feel Kerri's shoulders move with silent tears.

I could cry happy tears now for the ways that God has been so faithful!

But now I really REALLY need to sleep.  G'night and gig'em!

Impressions: Spider Bite edition

It's been about a week now since this nasty little welt appeared on my thumb. Methinks I have a spider enemy.

But you can be sure I forgot completely about spiders when I saw this sweet love note on our fridge. I officially have the most wonderful guy EVER.
*Intentionally faded so that you must scwunch your eyes REALLY HARD to read the mushiness.*

Remember the gluten free cake with the strange ingredient that I made for hubby's birthday? Yep, here it is! We only got one hastily taken picture before the double-decker hunk of chocolate goodness was gobbled by our homegroup. Mmmmmmmm!

Because his actual birthday fell on a day already overflowing with obligations, we continued the celebrations on Saturday by throwing a build-your-own-sundae party for some friends. Toppings included: bananas, strawberries, Oreo Cookies, Hershey syrup, Gummi Bears, and caramel sauce. *sigh* Every bite was delicious!

Early last week I had the honor of babysitting this little punk for a couple hours! She looks like a babysitting nightmare, but she is honestly one of the sweetest babies in the world. :)

Were you aware that you could buy an ENTIRE rack of ribs for dinner at BJ's? Maybe I'm just a typical girl who orders grilled chicken, but my mind was blown. 

The reality that graduation really is happening hit home to me this weekend while I was designing the announcements to send to friends and family. 

I know that the next three weeks will slip through my fingers like sand, and I'm trying to savor the moments before they're gone. 

Slice of Life: Bike Riding

A friend's blog recently featured an entry that she called a "slice of life". Like a slice of layer cake, a slice of life is a bite-sized snapshot of an experience, a relationship, or a moment made memorable by the telling. The concept is supposed to be a weekly recurrance.

I realize that a lot of my posts already do this (like funny moments, or a special visit from a sister), but I got inspired to be more artistic this time. More in-the-moment.

So here is a slice of my life that I will sincerely miss after I graduate and can no longer arrive sweaty to work.

(I wrote it last semester, when I began to play with the initial idea of writing for fun.)

_____________________________________________________

{Biking}

I am visibly glowing, sitting in class without jacket, without overshirt, in sleevless tank top.  It’s October, but I feel like I’ve been through a sauna.  

It's a self-conscious sauna of sweatiness that makes me intently aware of the sweat on my upper lip, at my hair line, and seeping through my cotton shirt. 

I love riding my bike to class for the speed, for the gas it saves, but most of all for the knowledge that I am sneaking in a workout under the guise of transportation.  


What kind of culture do I live in that we SEEK to burn more calories?  Most cultures, today and throughout history, have sought to CONSERVE energy. I feel like a new kind of strange pioneer, living in an age when exercise is more cosmetic than necessary.

The one thing I hate about riding a bike is the dangerous element of invisibility.  

I remember when I was very small, Mom would grab for my hand before we walked through a parking lot or across the street. “The cars can’t see you,” she told me.  

I am big now—bigger than she is—but they still can’t see me when I ride my bike. I think I would be more visible if I were on foot!  No driver expects something as small as the bike to move so fast.  It has brought an entirely new meaning to the term “defensive driving”.  

I launch myself forward, and my legs slowly churn the machinery, gathering speed.  

I love the balance.  

I love leaning into a curve, hearing the rubber of my tires grabbing for traction against the asphalt.

I love the flight downhill, going faster by gravity than I ever could enhance by pedaling. That is when I stop, spread my legs outward like wings, and grin like a two-year-old into the hilarious wind. 

God, let me never stop acting like a kid!  The day when I can’t enjoy a downhill speed-session will be the day I start to die inside.

Choosing Excitement!

So much is poised to happen in the next 40 days.


1. I will somehow finish my three classes, including a slew of GARGANTUAN research papers.


2. Our student homegroup will wind down for the semester. *tear*


3. I will train someone for the parts of my job that I can't do from Colorado.


4. We will FIND someone to do my job over the summer (probably should have mentioned that one first!)


5. I will fine-tune my resume. (Anyone feel talented in this area? I'm not above asking for help...see, I'm asking now. :) )


6. I will graduate!


7. We will fly to Milan, Italy, to show the love of Jesus to students for two weeks.




Whew! I am choosing to feel excitement instead of feeling overwhelmed. Trusting instead of fearing.
I know that even though I may have moments when I'm dead-tired in the next 40 days, I belong to the One who couldn't be conquered by death.


He restores my heart daily, and I know it's gonna be a great ride!

...Oh, praise the One who

paid my debt

and raised this life up from the grave!...

The ebb and flow of friendships

I'm learning that college is a unique season in the realm of friendships.

Currently, I live in a 4-mile radius containing thousands of students, all of us possessors of time, spending money, and the energy to pursue relationships with each other.

None of us have kids.

Few of us work more than 25 hours per week.

Until I wear Depends and walk with a cane, I will probably never have so much time at my disposal for social activities again--and neither will they.

Four years can feel like an eternity, but it's really a blip on the timeline of life. We acclimate to the heightened social interaction, but suddenly--it's gone, and we have to trim our expectations to fit the scraps of time left over after work and family.

For me, the transition from college life to career isn't so sudden because I'm overlapping married life with student-hood. Also, the fact that my husband works in full-time ministry to college students means that we will never quite remove ourselves from the student sphere.

But things do change.  Even if I physically remain in a college town, my responsibilities and priorities shift.

The hardest part is the day a friend dons her cap and gown and finds a new address.  A friendship that was easy to maintain while we shared an apartment, class, or church might strain now for continuation because we simply have different worlds. No matter how good our intentions, it is simply harder to pick up a phone and call someone than it is to chat while folding laundry.

I'm waving my "guilty" flag high on this one. As much as I hate it, I often find that months--even a year--has slipped away since I called a dear friend.

I suppose it's the natural flow of life. We interact for a time, enjoy each other, grow, and then our paths diverge. And honestly, the mental weight of maintaining all friendships at an ever-increasing rate would crush me eventually. Surely a good friend will understand, meeting and talking when we can, as the flow of life allows.

But why does the change of seasons have to hurt so much?

Summer Plans

I have realized over the past two weeks that I have not been communicating well with my family and close friends about our summer plans.  I would mention something casually, and get this response: "Whaaaaaa? Really?  I had no idea!"

So, congratulations.  You are about to get the Castille low-down.

First, I'm gonna flip my tassel and graduate!  Whoop!  This day has been long in coming, but the end is now in sight. 

The day after graduation, hubby and I will board a plane with our team and fly halfway across the world for a two-week mission trip in Milan, Italy.  We are in the throes of planning now, and many of you will soon receive a letter in the mail with more details.  (Yay for "real" mail! :) )  Alternatively, (or additionally) you can join our Facebook group by clicking this link and requesting an add. https://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/316736331710419/ The plan is to post regular trip updates both before and during the trip.  What could be better than up-to-the-minute updates, right?  (FYI, I will basically be posting the same blogs here and there, mainly so that people have options.  However, husband will post some thoughts of his own on the facebook page that will not show up here.)

After Italy, we're not giving ourselves much time to recover from jetlag.  One day after chasing the sun back across the Atlantic, we'll be loading up our little Camry with a summer's worth of stuff and pointing our noses north to Colorado's YMCA of the Rockies! Our church and other GCM churchs are sending students and staff to an amazing leadership training (LT) program that lasts 10 weeks. Students will work a full-time job at a top-rated YMCA family camp and experience a summer of growth with the Lord through mentoring, awesome teachings, and friendships...all while looking at views like this:

  Yeah.  :D

We WILL have internet, although my cell service might be spotty at best. I'm planning to blog frequently enough that you won't have to worry that I got eaten by Smokey the Bear. 

The Beginning of the End

I'm making myself laugh because there is something ironic about giving my first blog post a title like, "The Beginning of the End." No, I'm not having a mid-life crisis, and I'm not a goofy doomsday prophet. But when I was trying to capture my feelings about starting my last semester of college, it just seemed to fit. This was the first week of the last semester, and I'll never have a first week like that again. I'll have other firsts, but not a first day of school first, and it's nostalgic and bittersweet to think about it.

I have only three classes: Political Communication, American Lit Post-WWII, and Spanish 202.  Even though one of them is writing-intensive, so far, none of them threaten to eat my life. In fact, I was telling Jordan just yesterday that it feels...a little too easy?  Wow, I'm almost afraid to write that, as if I'm tempting them to become the hardest classes of my life! But really, I feel something like a baby bird who is almost too big for its shell. I'm 24 and married, but the students sitting around me in class have barely left their teen years. College has grown me and challenged me, but the assignments that would have felt like a two-ton weight when I was 21 no longer seem weighty at all. Maybe God wants to stretch me in other areas than academics this semester.  :) 

He's been doing that a lot lately, and to tell the truth, school is easier than this type of inner confrontation!  I entered the Christmas break with a big wad of anxiety in my gut about my future. To grad school or not to grad school? To do ministry or not? To strike out and get a job in my field or not? With graduation looming and profs nudging me toward a master's degree, it felt like an internal mandate to get my life figured out.

A month later, however, my heart is content to rest in Jesus and just wait for him to lead. And this is NOT my own doing; it's Jesus, showing me my crud-ugly pride in my own accomplishments and ability to do things on my own, showing me his power to direct and guide me, and gently but firmly bringing me to my knees.
 Here is the bald truth that I now recognize: I can't make myself a "success".  If I try, I will constantly be looking sideways, measuring myself by the women of God around me. I'll be my own harshest critic--and believe me, I'm brutal when it comes to me.

But our God is so gentle with me. He is so gentle with us.  He loves us too much to leave us to ourselves, and He knows that the things I cling to--pride, people's approval, achievements--are really poisonous to the beautiful things He wants to do in me.

Please be praying for my heart to be soft.