When an old fear gets a facelift

"Now I drawed socks, see?"

 

Her eyes, heavily rimmed with dense lashes, were so blue. She clutched the percussion egg in one hand and the pen in the other as she created an elaborate family portrait. 

 

With socks.

Her little sister climbed into my lap momentarily to clasp my neck, only to leap off a moment later and run to where her daddy sat.

 

The parents were traveling, documenting the state of the evangelical church in Europe. With them were their three kids, ages 4, 3, and 1.

 

It was beautiful to watch them.

 

There was a time I believed that missions was only for single people. Because of this, I feared marriage. 

I was petrified by the fear that love for a man might crowd out my First Love. Now my fears seem small and silly. Two people who the same Lord can be a powerful expression of who He is. The marriage can become a living picture of the grace of God, the faithfulness of God, the community of God.

Watching that beautiful family, I felt...surprise? And then I was surprised at my surprise.

 

I suddenly saw that my stinky old fear had never really died--it had just leveled-up a notch. 

Now the fear whispers that mommy-hood will absorb any chance of being involved full-throttle in the Great Commission. 

 

And I know how ridiculous this sounds. How un-true it is. But fears defy logic and truth much of the time.

 

 

I fear missing out.

 

I fear isolation and stereotyping from younger, kid-less friends.

 

I fear losing my passion for Jesus in a wilderness of diapers and spit-up and soccer practice.

 

I fear losing my identity, of being just "so-and-so's mom".

 

Can anyone else relate?

 

 

But somewhere in the tangle of my unease, I feel Jesus whispering to my anxious heart.

 

Daughter, do not fear losing yourself; this is how you find true life.

 

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it." (Matthew 16:25)

 

 

And right along all these whispers of truth, He is gently breaking down the fences I erect between myself and Change. Little nudges.

 

With each new baby in our circle of friends, each new announcement of "Guess what--?!", the idea of family has earned familiarity.

 

He also keeps letting me stumble upon amazing blog posts on this topic. Like this one that made me cry, or this one about surrendering the desire for a life on the mission field that sounded like a twin heartbeat of my post from last year. And then, just this morning, I came across this beautiful post about trusting the Lord with change.

 

I'm so glad my Jesus is gentle with me. I'm getting there.